Scary Chest/Abdominal Pains And The Rebel Within
Scary Chest/Abdominal Pains And The Rebel Within
  • Uncategorized
  • Tuesday, 03 January, 2017

I remember being four years old and thinking all these people are nuts.

It’s one of my first memories in fact, sitting in a church bathroom, out in Norcross, corralled with the other preschoolers and some janitor going off, I mean just really laying into us about using too much toilet paper. And I remember even as a kid thinking “Go fly a kite” this is not a real issue people. The faces of the pre-k teachers, so stern, all the other kids scared, and me just thinking, all these people are idiots.

My own dad would later lecture me and my brother and sister on the virtue of using just one toilet paper square per wipe, and again I remember vividly thinking, you are a fucking idiot. I still think that. This from the man who blew 50k on a sound recording studio he never used, and the guy who spent a hundred bucks a week on liquor, legitimately worried, and strategizing on how to make his kids use less TP. Maybe this is where my “Go Fuck Yourself” attitude comes from, because I am a born rebel still through and through.

Maybe all alcoholics are. I don’t know. But even coming up on 9 years I am still rebellious to the core. To the point I almost got a DUI and 8.4 years sober, lol.

It started with significant chest/abdominal pains waking me up about 5 AM Friday evening. 99% of the time this happened to me in my life I’ve been able to knock them out with a simple dose or two of Pepto, right? But this was different. I could feel my pulse in my belly, and when you’ve got 4 aneurysms and one of them abdominal, this is worrisome. And being a bachelor still, having never quite bounced back from my only recovery relationship years back, I didn’t want to drop dead. Especially after the record setting sales month I’ve had, lol, I want to live to spend or invest that cash baby! So, in fear of being found rotting in my bachelor pad in a few weeks, I drove myself to the emergency room.

By the time I got to the emergency room and all IV’d up they asked if I wanted and pain medication and having been suffering an hour plus at this point I said sure. They asked if I drove myself and I said yes, but no worries, I can uber it home. So they give me what I would call a mild dose of Dilaudid, I say mild because I stayed conscious, and the room didn’t flip and put me on the ceiling which is what happened last time I took some (albeit self administered in my using days) but still, I was fine. So hours go by, blood tests, cat scans, they talk to my Vascular surgeon, they find my heart and 4 aneurysms are not yet leaking or burst, so I’m safe, probably just food poisoning. I’m not bleeding out, this is good.

But then they take an hour or so to release me, and I’m just getting more and more impatient. I am a huge asshole, so I just rip the IV out, and sneak out the door. I’m paid up, I’m insured, it’s all good I think, they can sort the paperwork later. I walk through the hospital barely able to find the entrance, and walk out to see a cop sitting there in the parking lot. Perfect I say to myself, and like an asshole ask him to cut my medical band off my wrist, he looks at me oddly, and I compliment his machoism by saying, “You look like the kind of guy that has a knife” to which he smiles and cuts the band.

I’m homefree I think, get to the beamer, open her up hop in and get to the parking attendant Arab waiting for me and he asks for 5 bucks cash. It’s 2015 and I’m leaving the emergecny room I tell him, nobody has cash these days. So he asks for my discharge papers. Discharge papers I think to myself? Man these people are assholes. I can feel a toilet paper lecture coming on. Fortunately he has opened the gate at this point, so I smile and haul ass right through the parking lot, squeeling tires and all, hit the highway and head home.

It’s not till I’m home that I put together that all that rule breaking could potentially, if they really wanted to land my ass in jail with some charges. I mean yes it would be a stretch, but now I have a terrible withdrawal headache and I’m paranoid to boot, but still technically I guess they could put it all together, and see they adminstered a narcotic at a specific time, and have the Arabs testimony I drove, not to mention the cop I HAD to talk to on the way out, and I’d be busted.

It’s a stretch, but man when something gets up someones ass there is no limit to the worlds stupidity and what people can choose to become advocates about. Still, I think the hospital knowing I need a million dollars worth of surgery will override their sense of injustice and my bolting on a 5 tab.

And incidentally, they are charging a few hundred bucks an advil in the emergency room these days, you really need an extra five bucks from a patient whose parked during his visit.

I guess someones got to cover the toilet paper cost increases. Idiots.

Thus far the swat team hasn’t come for me though. It’s only been a day though, the investigation may take a bit.

In other news, the professional editor has the book and we should be finding a good forward writer soon.

JB Smith

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